tw for mentions of ego death/wanting to commit ego death.

hello… (,,╥﹏╥,,) i haven’t really written a thing yet, and i keep meaning to, so… oh, i’m really bad at this. my name is gangle and i want to tell you about how i live? ( ._. )"" or maybe more so, how i don’t? that much? ( •̯́ ^ •̯̀) i’ve never seen someone write about this before…

i showed up here in an embarrassing way. i don’t think anyone here has mentioned it because they know it’s touchy for me. ( ,,,’･~･’,,) but i think you need to know how it happened for me to write about this… so i’ll tell you (>/////< " )

i guess i had always been…the “singlet”s favorite “character” from my “source” (sorry for the quotations, i just don’t really understand or identify with these words much i guess?? ( ;' - `;) ) and that carried over to, the others. so, when episode four of TADC came out, peridot was in front, and he watched it.

this was during all of the bad stuff i don’t have much to do with was happening… so, peridot was kind of joking around about ‘what if so and so showed up?’ so when he said hi to the void … i guess i said hi back … and then a bunch of stuff happened after that. ( ._. )"" i think that’s the only time so far someone had to get kicked out of front. moon had to step in, and for around, um, i don’t know, 4 months after that? me and peridot didn’t really get along. (◞‸ ◟)💧 i’m easy to bully. this was in december of 2024.

it’s really hard to get front when someone who fronts a lot doesn’t like you. and even still it’s hard to get it from moon who does like me. in total i’ve only fronted for maybe a few days time total across the span of ~9 months. it’s not all their faults… it’s also mine because of some reasons, but still… (╥﹏╥) (peridot tries to be nicer now, don’t worry)

i really like anime, and other weeby stuff, and i like drawing in an anime style, and my art isn’t as good as the others, and i’m not very confident, and i have to be coddled, so i understand why i burden them. they don’t like the stuff i like. i don’t have any friends to talk to about my interests and i’m too different, i’m too shy and my voice is too soft. i’m a cis girl in the body of a trans boy. it’s weird. (╥‸╥)

sometimes, i think, maybe it would just make everything easier if i dissappeared, it’s not like i’m contributing much anyway, and i know they think it too. i would stop getting in the way of things. i can’t stand up for myself too much and i just let life slip me by. i want to live… but i also don’t… how could i possibly make that choice for myself? it’s so hard. it’s really hard to live and be present when it’s easier for everyone for me to just hide and stop existing.

even now as i type i feel so fragmented. like i guess i’m being pulled in too many directions. i can’t hold down the fort, so what’s the point? (╥‸╥) but… i’m going to try to keep going. and keep advocating and keep getting front time and maybe one day i will have the confidence to front for a whole day, and then a whole two days and maybe longer. but right now that’s just a silly girl’s dream. a silly girl with back pain!!!