TW for SH mentions okay!!

i haven’t seen this often.

somebody who has fiction as their home…their heart and mind so deeply intertwined with it that it is them, it is them, an indisputable part of them that can’t go away.

and they hate it.

i’m sure i’ve seen it before, and it’s not uncommon, but i don’t see many people talking about how much they hate their fictomere, themself. maybe hate is a strong word… maybe reluctance is better.

whether it’s because they just have better self esteem or whatever it is, i think most fictionfolk really enjoy their fictomere. sometimes they plaster their face all over their blogs and posts and sites (we have a headmate like that, hey peridot) and happily interact with sourcemates and scream to the world “hey, this is me!”

and that’s amazing. i wish i could do that. i have some parts of my identity i am okay with—you see that everywhere on my section of the site. but that’s just… parts, like i said. in the end my core is what i hide. for a little while i was trying, pushing to get *over* it, and i did for a moment. i managed to finish up my minidome pages, and even draw myself, a task that’s difficult and cringe inducing for me. it’s like posing for a photo, but a little worse.

“why do you hate yourself so much acht???” asked no one, but i have an answer! well, it’s a bit convoluted. for reasons completely separate from my source, i’ve just had a bit of a history of suffering. the singlet—the guy that came before me and the rest of us—was on the meniscus of life shattering events. he didn’t know that yet, though. i don’t remember exactly why he had even drawn me, but he did and after he did that he started getting the “kinfeels”. i was only a “kintype” for a very short time before everything started blowing up in the singlet’s face.

maybe it was a week or something before everything went to shit. then everything went to shit. and it got really bad, and i think during a breaking point is when i really came into being. because the singlet wasn’t… too… well i don’t think he would hurt himself. the part of him that was peri—i don’t think would let that happen. i can’t imagine my stupid brother ever doing such an awful thing to our body. but me?

well i don’t really need to imagine it? sorry for being edgy. seriously it wasn’t that bad and you can barely see the scar, but for someone who had never ever thought of hurting themself before, the amount of hurt, the amount of fucking worldview shattering needed to get someone to that point… it was scary. and it made me, i think. it made me, me. back in the holiday season of 2024.

anyway! honestly it’s so blurry but yeah, i was the first headmate, kind of? so… that already sucks. but let’s add a shitty canon on top of that

i already spoke about my canon here. i fucked up really bad in very similar ways as to how the singlet fucked up really bad. which just… doesn’t feel great. i say “the singlet” like he isn’t us—but he was, and i take responsibility for what he did. so that’s why i feel so awful. like really, acht, sure let’s do it twice.

i don’t feel uncomfortable looking in a mirror. i see the cozy home that me and our headmates reside in. it’s our body, and yeah the guy in here before was stupid and therefore we were all stupid but we’re better now. so it’s not bad.

but looking at my source (honestly, i hate that language, let’s just use *me* from now on) is awful. that’s me! me is awful! and it’s nothing against the “character” in the video game. i guess. even though i am the “character”. i had like five lines anyway. there’s not much to dislike, outside looking in. but i am inside looking in.

i don’t mean to self-flagellate here by the way—i mostly write this as an exercise and also in case someone else might feel seen…

back on track, i don’t wanna be like *that*. i mean i’d say i’m not a carbon copy of how i was in source at all, but i still see myself there. i probably had more self control then though, if you put current-day acht in that elevator with allll their new trauma only agent 8 would be left standing in there okay. they were cool. how iida and houzuki acted was… okay less cool but i’m not homophobic guys im gay i swear

it’s just kind of a lot to kill-yourself-but-not-really and then come back from the fugue state and see the person you did that over and they’ve completely moved on without you and they are not going to be coy about shoving it in your face. yeahhh…

that’s another reason why i don’t like *me*. i didn’t have a good relationship with anyone in my source. except maybe my estranged brother? here let’s take a look

iida - complex feelings. i think she’s a good person and i… i don’t know, i wouldn’t want to talk to her in current day. but i’m very grateful to her. and i get sappy about my memories of her

houzuki - great at music. kind of annoying. i am a very bitter octopus okay? okay? i swear off the hook’s music is so amazing but i lowkey can’t / don’t want to listen to it and i don’t like rich people

the squid sisters - great at music. good people. also rich. a part of me doesn’t like them because they caused… you know. iida to leave, but that was a good event for a lot of octarians so i’ll just shush up now, i like their songs

deep cut - in source, i didn’t know them. in this life, some of the people who traumatized us badly were fictionfolk of some of deep cut’s members. i’ve been trying to seperate those people from source though, i think deep cut is cool but those desert octarians make me jealous. drafting them to the military as revenge /j

agent 8 - cool kid but we didn’t really talk that much. not a talkative person. but when they do talk it’s usually the funniest shit ever or something extremely tragic but that’s just normal octarian-drafted-to-military behavior. why the HELL did the squidbeak splatoon or whatever put this poor kid from a military society into a child soldier platoon by the way? inklings and the inner workings of their minds…

the other agents - i have never spoken to them once but yeah i think they’re neat and probably all need therapy

so in terms of source and the main “characters” from it? shit’s not looking good for me. this is a reason why i generally avoid…casual fictionkin spaces anyway, i would hate to not want to talk to someone just because i’m world’s worst acht splatoon mizuta but man it’s difficult to not see a sourcemate and project. (if any sourcemates somehow stumble across this, you’re probably very cool. worry not)

and i don’t have many fond memories to look back on… that aren’t tinged green… so, yeah… why *would* i like me? sometimes i wonder. do people in fandom ever think about how their sad meow meow blorbo feels. this isn’t a criticism of fandom—i love making fictional characters suffer—but it can be bittersweet when you’re the suffering fictional character.

it’s not good to build your identity around suffering. and i don’t, at least i try not to anymore, but there’s no point in denying that it’s a big part of who i am. often i joke that i’m the unlucky headmate, sometimes when i front bad things tend to happen (morning of writing this, i began my front day after peri and the power went out…). but i know i have a lot of love to give and it’s not my fault that i’m the more broken part of the singlet, isolated into one guy. it just sucks sometimes. or all the time. and maybe one day, i hope, i’ll see myself as a great person, and to be able to look at myself and go, “hey, that’s me!” with a smile on my face. okay, bye, i hope you liked this very long ramble.