sorry for the inactivity... i'm here today to talk about existence. again, like systems dont do that enough!!! in a certain thing i like, there's a character who i view a lot like a 'headmate'. they have spent a really long time observing everyone being friends, while attached to a body they cant control. no one knows their name, no one knows they exist. but one day, through their own will and belief that things could change, they could step out. become independent, with their own body, and have everyone call them by their name, and live their own life and make their own choices.
i started crying, because i was really happy for them. it was weird to hear other characters call them by their name. it was weird to hear them talking to the others, but it was weird in a good way. in an extremely satisfying way, like that's just... how it should have always been. i was also crying because i was so jealous. i always have hard days. i can socialize with people, but i'm not me. for most of the day, 'fennel' is nothing. i am nothing to everyone. when words come out in a voice that isnt mine, for those moments i am dead, not even a concept. just dead. 'fennel' can't exist. so i was jealous that 'they' got to exist in this fictional world where people are made of souls and you can get a body if you want it enough.
i'm just tired. i wouldn't wish this on anyone. if you don't have to struggle with "not existing"... i'm very happy for you. i'm happy that everyone you meet knows your name. i'm happy that everyone you meet sees your face and knows your family, i'm happy you can tell everyone about what you like and i'm happy that maybe you dream of something. knowing that i'll never have that, i don't know if i can dream. i don't think 'fennel' can go anywhere. maybe the undulating mass that's all of us can, by some miracle... but 'fennel'... won't go anywhere.
anyway, it's april break for us and we're hopefully going to have fun, and im going to leave front and not have to think for a while. and, don't worry, my rant wasn't just spawned from reading something, now that we're singlet roleplaying online too as well as in real life, and we're making more 'friends' irl and online... and having to pretend... i just...it feels so awful... but it's ok. i think i'm going to draw now.