have you ever felt... like you cant move? like everything is so awful you can't even move? haa---something like that's been happening recently. it's not on the catastrophic level that it was back when actually bad things were happening,.. but its kind of bad... its just a school project... its been tormenting us ever since a week before christmas. its a big project, and last year there was some guidance during the process, but this year our teacher sent everyone off on their own to do it. self pace for 4 months. get it done by yourself in 4 months. maybe... we should be able to do that now. maybe we're old enough that, that should be easy. we should maybe be perfect at that... but we are really bad. the writing part is due on monday, and its almost done. but its bad. we are umnm---one of 'those' students. high honor roll every term. honors classes...'the smart one'. usually those types, they have a lot of perfectionism issues. for us its really bad and its why we havent done anything in life. what if we mess up? 'if we mess up we might as well die'. we are always paralyzed in fear of that so we dont try new things. it's ok to do bad on 1 project in our school life. but it feels like we might die. it's been a while since we've done something truly 'bad' for school ,but its finally happened, and we have to present it. we have to look someone in the eyes and pretend what we made isnt bad...when its really bad... i dont like to doom and gloom here too much. i think. but... i dont know what to do... i finished writing another section of it, but its bad. but my will is gone. its all gone, so i think it just has to stay that way. and we cant be perfect and the grade will be bad. i really try to be positive!!! i dont want to be sad. other people here can do that better than me, but i think im very sad about this, i think we all are. its just a dumb project. but it hurts when its taken so long and it just ended up awful. i think we even broke a rule somewhere that we didnt know about. breaking rules is death... honestly, if we were more headstrong and annoying, we might be able to get out of doing the presentation. but the idea of saying something like, 'yeah, this has been tormenting me so much i've thought about self harm over it' to get out of that is...weak. i mean---its true but, its bad, also you cannot say that kind of stuff to therapists or counselors unless you like the idea of sitting in a white room for the next month. we have really weak wills, if it wasnt obvious...
we've gone to our mom for solace, but she just responds by saying 'you'll get it done, you always do, and it's always good. it's always better than everyone else's!'
funny...i wish someone would tell us it's ok to be bad.
i'm tired of highschool. i hope senior year is peaceful. i mostly wrote to try and feel better., i dont know if it worked. we'll keep trying our bests... fight!!! o!!!! and to hell with adhd and autism!!! PS tomorrow is rices birthday, happy birthday rice!